Apple Rejected my App!!! What do I do now?

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If you’ve been developing iOS apps for a while, you’ve probably had an app rejected. Usually, you forgot an icon, or had some small revision to make, and you resubmitted it, never losing your place in line. But what if Apple wholeheartedly passes on your app? What if they tell you that it’s not worthy of being on the App Store, or worse, is better deployed as an HTML 5 (read: non-monetized) “app.” It’s disheartening to say the least,. Revenue is one of the biggest reasons any of us want our app on the App Store (or any Marketplace), so when the whole premise of your submission essentially isn’t good enough, you’ve got two options.

Give up and go home – OR – Redesign/Refine/Refactor your app

Sometimes, the app was built at a client’s request, and according to their Specs. It’s a hard conversation to have, to say that their idea isn’t good enough, but I would suggest having that conversation early, instead of after your app has been rejected. You’ll be providing better service by being honest with your client about the strict standards and referring them to Apple’s list of Requirements/Guidelines, found in the ”App Store Review Guidelines” available on Apple’s website.

But sometimes, it’s your own app or idea, and you feel that it’s worthy of a spot in the App Store. In my case, it wasn’t that the app wasn’t polished enough, or didn’t support all the iOS devices, it was said to be better served on a website that nobody will ever find (I’m paraphrasing, and added the part about never seeing the light of day). Well, in my case, Apple sited the following:

We found that the features and/or content of your app were not useful or entertaining enough, or your app did not appeal to a broad enough audience, to be in compliance with the App Store Review Guidelines.

Ouch. My app is a Gallery app for an Aviation Artist, and while the 1.0 submission was a bit bland, only containing 9 (High-Resolution) images, and a Slideshow feature, but as I told Apple, that’s just the beginning. My neighbor happens to be a phenomenal artist, the very one whose work is featured in the app, so we’ve been planning on adding videos of him describing the history and personal stories behind each of his paintings, as well as extending the app to contain other works. Maybe not the re-play-ability of Angry Birds, but he’s got fans who would love nothing more than to spend an hour every so often with an iPad and his Gallery app. Sure it’ll work on a simple website, but monetizing it, one of the biggest reasons we’re building the app, is not quite the same animal when you’re talking about a website versus an App that someone can buy in an online store.

General advice

In the end, as an iOS Developer, I’m quite familiar with the ”App Store Review Guidelines,” and IMHO, my app belongs in the App Store. But, the final word rests with Apple, and always will. So, never forget that if you’re not creating a Killer App, it may not make it to the store you originally intend. It’s kind of a bummer, but is also understandable, as with over 500,000 apps in the Apple App Store, they’re getting pickier and pickier to maintain a marketplace with the best apps available.

That being said, two things you can do as a Developer will help you tread these unknown waters with a bit more confidence. First, always be honest with your clients about the Guidelines you face as a Developer, and the fact that sometimes as great an idea as they think it may be, if Apple (or any other vendor) doesn’t see value in it, it may not make it to the store. And secondly, always design your apps to take advantage of the features of the platform. In other words, ask if your app would be almost the same as a simple web site. If the answer is “I don’t know,” you may want to get a friend or colleague’s professional opinion. Never be afraid to make improvements, or ask for help in doing so. Otherwise, you’re just giving up and going home. And I don’t have any advice for pussies. ;)

Takeaway

So, for my app, I’m still waiting on Apple’s Approval Board for a final decision. In the meantime, I’m thinking about ways to either take the app, add functionality to make it more  befitting of a spot in the App Store, or, how to take those same assets and either deploy a website that may not be the same as an app, but might be able to offer things that we wouldn’t have been able to in an app.

For instance, with a website, we can actually sell prints, etc. and still offer a Slideshow (perhaps with ads… yuck) so that people can enjoy the paintings on their mobile device(s). In an app, you have to either use In-App Purchasing (Apple’s API for buying things inside an app), or totally leave out the ability for people to click a button and go somewhere else (outside Apple’s control) to purchase something.

And of course, there’s the Android market. Which for me personally, for this type of app, would not be a good alternative, IMHO. Why not? Well, for starters, even for a simple Gallery app, that could easily be developed with something like Corona and deploy to Android, it can be a support hassle troubleshooting the difference between Android devices that you don’t have with the homogenous Apple hardware, but more importantly, the Android market provides little to no protection against piracy. For something like a bunch of High Resolution images, even though you can’t prevent sneaky people from finding ways to get them off the device, the Android market is more akin to showing up with a truckload of beer to sell at a biker rally. You may sell a case or too, but eventually, someone’s going to come along and take the whole truck. That’s my take on the Android market, as it applies to Intellectual Property and Piracy at least. :)

I’ll update here once I get the final, fruitful word to let you know where I’m going from here. But in the meantime, has anyone else rebounded gracefully from the Rejection process, only to re-submit a better product? What can you share about the process and your lessons learned? Could you have seen it coming, or were you surprised and unprepared for your app’s rejection?

Happy Apping!

Enjoying a lit crowd

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Wow. This has been a really fun week for me. I did two Open Mics on Tuesday night, and hosted the weekly Comedy Open Mic last night at Kick Butt Coffee. It was a fun week for a lot of reasons, but what all three had in common was not only a bona fide audience (i.e. non-comics were actually there), but all three audiences were pretty lit. Inebriated. Intoxicated. That can be terrifying for a Stand Up Comic, as many of you can attest, but all three nights were actually really fun, despite more audience participation and borderline heckling than we had hoped for.

Taos Co-Op – Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Hosted by Wes Corwin

This was a fun room. A handful of comics performed in the nasty basement of a co-op just off the 40 Acres. The room alone, with it’s grafittid walls provided the comics with plenty of material, but the puke covered toilet, Al-Qaida-esque workout room, and dank hallway where the Cat Shit Ghost lives, made it all the more charming. The crowd was a lively and fun bunch of coed Undergrads. They were a great crowd, and I appreciate them hosting us.

Oh, and they were lit. After a couple hours of listening to comedy, passing the bottle, and I’m guessing maybe sharing a pan of special brownies prior to the show, they were full of energy, but made the comics work to keep their attention. It was a good exercise for me, and I ended up mostly riffing and doing crowd-work. I knew I had to pull the right material for a younger crowd, and riffing with a few jokes thrown in, ended up working pretty well. I didn’t kill, but felt like I had a solid set, and enjoyed it, which has become my only benchmark for a “successful” set.

East Avenu Lounge – Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Hosted by Aaron Arocha

Somewhere between Taos Co-Op and a Biker bar, East Avenue Lounge, with convenient access to I35 South, just mere feet away, it was very interesting. The crowd was very small, but by 10:30ish, when I went up, they too were well into the spirits. Aaron is becoming a master of “treading water” and this is partly why. Lots of mic time to just work through some shit. I’ve had the same experience hosting Kick Butt, and sometimes, you’ve just gotta fill up some time. Being able to stuff out of your butt, and not losing the few people you’ve got is a tough task.

Again, I just kind of riffed and mixed in some material, and really had fun. As a side note, for a long time, I’ve been trying to have 6 or 8 jokes decided upon, every time I go up. It’s been a good way to work on material, tweak things here and there, etc., but it’s also be a hinderance in that there is often more topical or relavant material than any jokes you choose ahead of time. So, my current approach is really more winging it, throwing in material I’ve fine-tuned, but focusing more on connecting with the audience and making funny about something that’s happening at that moment, rather than just telling jokes.

Kick Butt Coffee
Wednesday, May 9th, 2012
Hosted by me

We had a Rockin’ good time. The loudest band I’ve ever heard at a coffee shop played an ear-splitting set just before the Comedy Open Mic, and we managed to keep much of the crowd there for quite a while.

There were some lit folks there, before we even arrived. It made for a very interesting “clash of cultures.” There were some notable audience members, including a fat baby, and a few gals who where not impressed with the barrage of jokes involving bodily functions or forced sexual scenarios. I don’t know why, but a lot of comics think that Rape makes for awesome material, and let’s just say that a few people in the audience weren’t enjoying the show quite as much as others. There were words. There was borderline heckling, but honestly speaking, I think that all the comics who went up had better sets because of the friction. It’s a neat thing to see, and even neater to experience.

At the end of the evening, I had enjoyed myself way too much, flirted more than I have in 20 years, and otherwise really had a good time.

So, if you’re a comic, and you end up in front of a bunch of drunks, you may be surprised at how great a time you end up having. After-all, we’re just trying to make people laugh, and when you can take someone who’s had a shitty day, and is perhaps looking to unload on you, and see the humor completely disarm the adversarial situation; audience members can be very defensive, and when that element goes away, and everyone is just laughing and enjoying the moment, well, that part will never get old for me.

Sing low…

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For someone who’s tried damn hard to sing the praises of things, and people, I’m finding it harder and harder to find nice things to say. I’m known for being a positive guy, always looking on the bright side, and finding opportunity in the unlikeliest of places. I tend to believe in things when others flee at the first fault they can find. From my perspective, that’s their loss. After all, life is pretty amazing, and the human existence is the most awesome and quirkiest thing I’ve found.

But when you deal with certain “facts” in life, say seeking employment/business, you deal with people who are shitty at their jobs, miserable in life, and not the least bit aware that they are shitting on everyone else’s parade. Life is what you make of it, and it’s harder to give a shit about other people than it is to not. And in today’s me-first, I’m in a bigger hurry, have a bigger problem, or need something more than anyone else mindset, we all tend to experience the worst in our peers. All the time.

It stems from a breath of wisdom, an understanding that you and you alone control your path through life, and every one of us has the potential and opportunity to be something amazing. But it’s easy to forget, harder still to remember, and almost impossible to live on a daily basis. I try to be happy. I try to be positive. But sometimes I wonder when it’s going to be my fucking turn to succeed.

It would be different if I was always shitting on people, their ideas, their creations, and their efforts. But I don’t. You could paint me something that looked like a gorilla shit on a piece of paper and smeared it around, and I’d probably find something expressive, something creative that proves it was a worthwhile effort. I say paint randomly, it could be anything; any human effort. I see that things take time, effort and passion. I can’t not see that fact in everything around me. But what I don’t see is any sign that all my soul-searching, creative investment, or risk taking, has me on any other course than I’d have been on had I kept drinking heavily, daily, and shitting on everything I loved.

I had jobs, wrote great code, built cool products, all while being miserable day in and day out. I was not the father or husband I wanted to be, but I was putting food on the table. I wanted to just get away from myself, but I was providing for my family.

Now, I’m actually comfortable in my own skin, capable of more than even I can imagine, have shared my time, effort, meals, cigarettes, etc. even when I didn’t have enough for myself. But still, I sit here, on yet another day, wishing that just a few people whom I happen to cross paths with, would give a flying fuck about their jobs, and other people’s time, and value. Just once, maybe someone would follow through, not just with an idea – I’d rather have more toilet paper, but with the passion, budget and confidence to actually see something to fruition.

Put on a happy face, lord knows I’m trying to, and give whatever you find yourself doing, 100%. You’ll feel better, other people will feel better, the wold will suck that small fraction less, and we’ll all just get through another day in paradise. Okay?

Kick Butt Coffee – Here I go again…

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I’m excited to announce that I’ll be taking over for fellow Kick Butt host, Andrew Tompkins, at Kick Butt Coffee, Music and Booze‘s Airport location, on Wednesday nights from 7:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. Come join us for a cocktail and some laughs! :)

Here’s a Facebook event with a map, etc. The event says it’s for 4/18/12, but we’ll be there every Wednesday evening!

See you there!

Kick Butt Comedy Showcase – Tuesday, March 13, 2012 – Come Laugh With Us!!!

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Looking for a fun alternative to Live Music while you’re in Austin, TX for SXSW? Come laugh your ass off with us, Tuesday, March 13, 2012 at Kick Butt Coffee’s ‘Triangle’ location, between Guadalupe and Lamar, in North/Central Austin.

We’ve got a great lineup of funny Austin Comedians who are ready to welcome you to Austin’s Exploding Comedy scene! Come joing us for Drink Specials and a FULL night of Stand Up Comedy.

Showcase from 5 to 8 p.m., Open Mic following the Showcase.

Here’s the Lineup (updated 3/13/12):

Luke McClory, Gene Getman, Katie Pengra, Frank Rios, Mike Provenzano, Duncan Carson, Jami Shofner, Fred Bothwell, Denis Sokolov, Maggie Maye, Jacob James Garcia, Isaac Harigle, Tony LaMarr, J.D. Darley, Bob Khosravi, Dre LaJames, Kelly Stone, Adam Hrabik, Norman Wilkerson, Jimmy Preston, Gregg O, Derick Fields, Lane Krarup, Hilarious Darius, Doug Lewis, Torrence Brown

Come out on out and see us, y’all!!!

 

Another one bites the dust… AppRanch closes it’s gates.

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So, after bootstrapping (using every penny of mine, family, and friends possible), i.e. not taking Venture Capital, either in proper form, or that of today’s Angel Investor’s terms, it wasn’t for me, and I decided a long time ago that I was going to build something outside the norm. While the company I started with that intent has failed, I wouldn’t change that single element. In short, without casting any judgement, I didn’t want to “sell out,” by taking money from people who had either no idea or a very different idea than I have. I want to build my own stuff. I’ve built products that have generated MILLIONS of DOLLARS for companies who follow the march of Today’s Corporate Drum. Yet I’m the one struggling to make ends meet and provide for my family. It’s sad, but true, so I’m on to the next flavor of me.

I started AppRanch[.com] in May of 2009, as I wound down my most recent Corporate Gig, one which made me irrelevant once I had re-architected and built the vast majority of it. Anyway, I saw iOS (Apple’s Mobile “platform,” i.e. Apps) as my next move, and one that I needed to do quickly. For months and months and months and months, I struggled to learn a whole new approach to Software Development, and one which, for a 40 year-old, was my last chance to stay relevant in a Technical sense, for the larger market.

For me, AppRanch represented a natural next step, despite not having any funding, savings, back-up plan, etc. It was quite frankly out of necessity, and I saw it as an opportunity to launch a company founded on realistic, human-based actions and reactions. A company that was more of a family than a job. 30 Hour Work Weeks, Full Benefits, the whole nine yards. It was my chance to build something in the shape of what I thought a company should look, and act like.

It’s no secret that I’m cynical at best and absolutely correct at worst, when it comes to my views on Corporate America, Financial Crisis, Wall Street, etc. It’s greed; money, beyond all else. It’s building “companies,” with the same and sometimes better rights than Individuals, with the only target being that of an IPO, and then forever bound to provide Shareholder Value. It’s a failed model, yet it remains the status quo and the standard by which we judge fortunes.

You don’t have to be too paranoid to realize that the only options are to roll with it, or change your own personal course. My problem is that I’ve held that belief and intention, despite that the very market (Austin, TX) I’m trying to compete in. It’s a veritable Who’s Flashiest of “Mobile App Developers.” Form over function takes over, and whoever has the sexiest sales pitch, wins. The rest of us dredge through impossible relationships with impossible clients, believing that we’re doing the right thing by trying.

And I’ll keep trying.

There are tons of Lessons Learned during the past almost 3 years, starting a “startup” in Austin, Texas, being part of Technological Tsunami (Mobile), Client Management, Contracts, Flakes, Identifying the key indicators, early in the process, of Mental Illness, Self-Loathing, and Spontaneous Human Combustion. But alas, there are too many for this post, or really a Blog, so, I’ve decided to write an eBook detailing, discussing and dissecting AppRanch, and my experiences as an Entrepreneur.

“Ranch for Sale” – an Autobiographical Literary Dissection of a Failed Technology Startup

Would you buy a copy? What would you want to know more about? Any feedback out there?

Please leave a comment…

Yikes! My material is atrocious, disturbing and poorly written!

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I came to the realization along time, well, 5 or 6 years ago, that we as people, especially in competitive terms, *must* be willing to take a stark, objective look at our own actions and facts every once in a while. I love run-ons, and I don’t feel the need to apologize for that.

So, with that mindset, I began spilling all my shit on the table (i.e. YouTube), then watching and re-watching every horrible, painful moment, to dissect just where things went so horribly, horribly wrong. Here’s a brief summary of what I came to realize today (after having uploaded all the Stand Up video I had accumulated over the past several weeks)…

And to give you a frame of reference (in case you haven’t read any of my blog postings), I just dove into Stand Up Comedy going on 6 weeks ago. In that time, I’ve done about 8 or 9 Open Mic “sets,” and began hosting a Comedy Open Mic on Tuesday evenings at a local Coffee Shop, about 3 weeks ago. It’s been an awesome opportunity to meet other aspiring and “Pro” comics, watch their journeys alongside mine, and to take a reflective look not only at what has and hasn’t worked for me, but for the other comics I’ve met and seen.

My Material
Not sure why, but I had it in the back of my mind that I had to write everything at the level of The Aristocrats. I can weave words into ratty-blanket-like sentences. You know the blanket I’m talking about. You love that blanket. It’s awkwardly comforting. Well, I erred to far on the side of gross and disgusting (watch any of my stuff on YouTube, and you’ll know what I’m talking about). I think with the right audience, my material isn’t horrible, but it’s not exactly who I want to be either. I don’t want to be remembered as the dick-scab joke guy, I want to be remembered as the guy who made it funny to really look at ourselves and find better ways along our paths in life. If you know anything about Christ Consciousness, you know that most people don’t get it, much less understand and experience it. That’s my target. Shit jokes will not build the bridge I’m gonna need to get there from here.

Delivery
I think my delivery is getting stronger, but still has several hiccups, usually around organizing my material. To that end, I’ve actually been beating back the geek in me, but have conceded to a 1.0 version of my Joke-Writing app for iOS (e-mail me directly if you want to find out more or Beta Test). It’s allowing me to at the very least, capture all my material in one place, making it easier to find the list of jokes (i.e. a “set”) I want to try my next time up. As I work and refine my material, I get more comfortable with the concept and all that’s funny about it, versus a narrow punch-line I feel like I need to deliver. In other words, sometimes just “discussing” the situation and circumstance around a joke are funnier than the joke. Some of those have become jokes for me, where they may have started with something cruder, ruder and/or un-related. The bigger story becomes way more important than specific hooks and punches.

What I’m Fixin’ To Do
This week, I’ll be visiting ColdTowne, Monday Night, Hosting at Kick Butt Coffee – Triangle’s Open Mic Tuesday Night, and Kick Butt Coffee – Airport’s Open Mic Wednesday Night. And in those sets, I’m going to try to back off a list of jokes, and talk more about different stories/experiences that make for a better-arranged few minutes of comedy. I’ll continue to post ‘em on YouTube, and occasionally  blab about the takeaways here.

Warning
The following set is gross. It’s maybe more of a shit-show, rather than an actual set really, but be warned, the jokes are just gross. Oh, and please stop judging me. The scab thing is a JOKE. My body holds no scabs; just sayin’.

One door, both opens and closes – Farewell AppRanch

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So, tonight is one of those moments of clarity, where you have a tangible “next thing” to focus on. After 2 3/4 years of trying to start my own company. It’s been a learning experience, and with every new chapter in my life, I have a ton of real world experience in numerous skill sets. From Janitor to Lead Architect, I’ve had to do it all. I haven’t been able to. So, with lengthy, deliberate thought and consideration, we’re closing our virtual doors.

My next step, in addition to sending out resumes, is to rebrand myself and focus on Freelance/Independent development. I’ll still be focusing on iOS and Flash/AS3 projects, just on a smaller scale. Hit me up if you need some help!

For those of you who have been “in the valley of death,” a startup term for the period of time before a company has enough revenue to maintain existence, sometimes it makes more sense to pull the plug, and focus your efforts and talents on something else.

When I was younger, I’d be crushed any time a job ended in me getting thrown under the proverbial bus, or a client freaked out and bailed. We’ve all experienced that, and it’s just business. Some people persevere and find success, others grow more and more cynical and end up angry and alone. Move on. :)

Stay tuned for updates on several projects; Qeej Hero, etc., as well as my journey through the Comedy Open Mic scene in Austin! :)

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When I Stood Up – Month 1 Recap

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Wow. The past month has been a whirlwind, both in my comedic journey and of course, the rest of my life. I’ve experienced a lot, made a lot of mistakes, but have begun to catch my stride. Here’s an overall takeaway on my first roughly 30 days performing Stand Up Comedy.

As a brief wrap-up of me, my situation, my process, etc. keeping reading, or skip to Ah, the first time, below. I’m a former Professional, finding myself coming to terms with the Creative thoughts, ideas, solutions, efforts that have been stifled for most of my Adult life. After 20 years of the Corporate Churn, I started a “boutique” iOS Development company in May of 2009, but am now looking at having to go back to a Corporate gig, with an actual salary, benefits, etc. I’m out of runway, so to speak. So, in December, after discussing with several friends, a couple of us decided to take a stab at Stand Up. He’s now employed and back in school, so I’ve essentially been focusing mainly on Stand Up for the whole month of January.

So, I’ve decided to really give it the ‘ol College Try. I went and did 5 Open Mics at local clubs, coffee houses, etc. here in Austin, TX, and started to reach out and see where I could do it again. There’s a great site started by Ramin Nazer, called LastGasComedy.com that lists tons of shows, but also all the Open Mics in town. These are the spots that more and more comics are wanting to fill, and it seems the demand for time, and the number of Open Mics, is a golden opportunity for lots of folks. Then, I talked with the Booking agent at a local coffee shop, and ended up taking over the Host/Emcee spot for their Comedy Open Mic on Tuesday Nights. I’ve done it twice now, and there’s been a great response, some awesome comics, and a lot of fun for all involved. And, we’re already extending it by an hour! That’s 30% more silliness, people!!!

Ah, the first time.

My first Open Mic, was on Sunday, January 8, 2012, at Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, TXSA (Texas State of America, we seceded, did you hear? Fuckin’ Perry!). It was uh maze zing. Not my performance, or really any of the reaction, well, except for the one nervous giggle I got from a gal in the front row when I said, “Hey, Boo. You goin’ to Pittsburgh?” I couldn’t see her, but I guess I was staring right at her, because about 7 seconds after I said it, and didn’t look away, she giggled nervously. And THAT, was the moment that flipped on a switch. As someone intimately familiar with the MANIC side of me (mwha), I haven’t been able to shut it off. And I’m so enjoying it. For me, if I can get *one* of those genuine, awkward laughs every couple three times I go up, I’ll keep wanting more, please.

Material: 1 joke roughly 3 minutes to tell

Preparation: maybe ran through it twice

Set Time/Actual Time: 3:00 / 4:52

How’d it go: Awesome first time. Not that solid on delivering the punches, but I think I (having never done it or really had much if any coaching before hand) for me, and the way I learn, I had to throw myself off the cliff, knowing that at least I wasn’t going to die. I think that element always has to be there, but I’ve tighten my pacing and the delivery of lots of my material, and really enjoy looking back at it, to see the things I naturally did right, and the things I did wrong, and why? For instance, the mic stand was a real distraction for me. I managed to babble about it while it held me in it’s shiny object-grip, but I have also been hyper-aware of the mic stand ever since. There’s at least a ton of lessons learned every time. Don’t be your own worst critic, be your biggest fan! Own it! You’re funny as shit! We all are! But the minute you take it too seriously, poof, it’s not the same thing.

Ah, since then.

Well, it’s been a mix of pure shame, mixed with a twinge of humiliation, a touch of nausea, tons of pharmaceutical assistance, and a careful orchestration of making an ass of myself, while being around, and hopefully helping in some form or fashion, other comics along the way. But man, two Open Mics in a row, which for me personally (every room is a bit different and for each comic) were ColdTowne on Monday nights, and The Cedar Door on Tuesday nights. It was definitely a whoa! moment, each of them. Here’s a few of the things I realized, learned, was explicitly told, or have concluded about people, places and the opportunities for all of us (venues, comics, emcees, whatever).

ColdTowne – Open Mic #2

Material: 5 to 6 Jokes written across 1,437 pages in my notebook

Preparation: Probably 12 hours during the week fo Writing, talking, pretending, playing, experimenting with wording, cadence, delivery, voice changes, etc. Trying to throw everything out there, ya know.

Set Time/Actual Time:3:00 / 4:00+

How did it go: Most of my notes were written in red ink, which on stage, apparently, turns into Invisible Ink. Surprise! Who knew? I had a bunch of notes and stuff to reference, but on stage, it became invisible. I was thrown a diarrhea-dipped curve ball that night. And really accomplished, funny people saw it happen. It was rough. Over 2 minutes was spent ruffling through my notebook, nervously, and the other two being a few one-liners and comments, a few of which actually connected. Overall, it was definitely a shitshow. A lot happened when I went on stage at ColdTowne. Not only the note thing, but I had this friggin’ Gatekeeper start cock-blocking all my jokes (in my head). I was trying to think through, okay, who’s here, what shouldn’t I say, what topics should I avoid, etc. It didn’t help to overhear one of the comics, while waiting in the cattle-call list signup process, say, “sorry, my policy is to not given anyone feedback” when asked by another comic to watch his set. Hmmm. I was in a catty, West Coast bar all of a sudden, except without legal weed. Needless to say, the concept of zero feedback held true the whole night. You got to bring your A game, every game. Aight… Oh, one more factor was that a guy I had met was going to record my set, but disappeared before my set, and went on right after me. So that was another last-second distraction that didn’t help.

 

The Cedar Door – Open Mic #3

Material: Roughly 15 jokes, written in blue ink, across 39 pages in my notebook

Preparation: Probably 5 hours, re-writing, consolidating, tightening punches, telling friends, co-writers, other comics, etc.

Set Time/Actual Time: 3:00 / 3:00ish

How did it go: It’s kinda funny, this one. I had a slew of stuff ready, and within quickish access, in my notebook. Then, while waiting for my slot, there was a table that was *really* having a good time. So much so, that one of the comics went ahead and played the Heckler card on them. It was a bit, surprising, but a little, I don’t know, antagonistic maybe? Anyway, so I get up for my bit, and I’m gonna bring back the mood to just having a good time. That’s what it’s about for me, not particular material having to be told, or having to be funny. So, I’ve found my Confederates, and I get up there, to connect with the crowd (something I discovered was imperative after the night before), and two of them have gone to the bathroom. I was thrown a tear-soaked curve ball this time, to which I proceeded to refer to my previous Open Mic experience as an abortion. Then I told an awkward and (didn’t realize at the time) really risky joke, by throwing another comic’s name in there as the antagonist in my little joke-a-rooni. It was my ill-fated attempt at trying to fit in, and trying to let other comics know that I respected their turf, etc. Bad move. I think it was taken as something like showing up to a movie set, and saying, “yo, I’m gonna be a star too someday, can I hang wit chew?” It’s why I didn’t go to very many parties in college. Abortion #2 was complete.

 

Kick Butt Coffee – Open Mic #4

Material: Roughly 8 jokes, written neatly, in blue ink, on 3 pages of my notebook

Preparation: Probably 4 hours, lathering, rinsing, and repeating.

Time: Under

I got back in my own body. I was relaxed, not needing anything from the audience. Whether I went up and killed, or flubbed every line, was entirely up to me. So, I had fun.

 

Kick Butt Triangle – Comedy Open Mic Emcee – Week 1

Out of the blue, a dream come true, I ended up taking over the Emcee position at Kick Butt Coffee’s Comedy Open Mic on Tuesday nights, in the ‘Triangle’ (Lamar/Guadalupe). The first night was a bit rough, I felt obligated to fill time, instead of getting the comics through there quickly, which apparently is the expectation of every comic on the planet, but hey, I was a bit nervous, what can I tell ya. All-in-all, I guess I wasn’t horrible enough to fire, cuz they let me do it again the following week.

 

ColdTowne – Open Mic #5

Material: Roughly 12 pretty tight jokes. By this time, I had re-worded, honed, and found solid punch lines, delivery, and set-up for a solid 5 minute set.

Preparation: None specifically.

Time: Under

This was a night of redemption for me. Having shat the stage a week earlier, I just wanted to get up, be comfortable, and have a fun set, and I did. Mission Accomplished.

 

Kick Butt Triangle – Comedy Open Mic Emcee – Week 2

We had a great time, I did a better job of getting through comics, and we had 23 comics do a set! From Old Pros to High School kids, to wannabes like me, it was a fun time for all. So much in fact, that we’ve decided to change it to a 3 hour event each week!

What’s next / Upcoming Open Mics / etc.

So, the first 3 hour Comedy Open Mic is at Kick Butt Coffee tomorrow night from 7:30 to 10:30p. If you’d like to sign up early, send me an email at kickbutt@eslacker.com, or just show up! Tonight is ColdTowne’s Open Mic, so I’ll be there tonight, Monday, 2/6/12, and then at Kick Butt tomorrow, Tuesday, 2/7/12. Hope to see you there!!! :)